I’ve had mental health issues since I was a teenager, but have only been honest and open about them since my early 20s. I’m now in a place where I am happy to talk to anyone about my CFS and anxiety, but my depression slightly less so.
So why am I more ok with some mental health issues than others? I feel comfortable with my anxiety because it feels reasonable, everyone worries, I just do it more. It’s easy to explain and relate to. My CFS is less easy to explain or relate to, but it’s so much a part of my everyday that I’ve become comfortable with it. It’s a disability and it’s not going anywhere so I’ve accepted it to the point where I don’t think twice about talking about it.
My depression is different. It isn’t there everyday in the same way, it lurks in the background then strikes out of nowhere. I can’t explain it as well, because I don’t really get it myself. I’ve always been lucky to have a lot in life, I know depression doesn’t care about that – it’s the great equaliser, but I am always are of how unreasonable it seems.
Recently I had a big hit of depression, for two days I could only cry and wish it would all end. If that was my anxiety I could take action to reduce it. If it was my CFS I would do stretches or pace myself around it. For depression it was a frightening loss of control. I had to wait it out because I’m already on the max dose of antidepressants and the doctor just called it “a blip”.
I think, being a control freak, that’s why I feel uncomfortable about my depression. I have to ride it out, and no amount of positivity can drag me out of that cave. It’s the condition I deny with “no really I’m fine” because I don’t want to admit how much it frightens me.
Talking about it online is a lot easier than in real life when I was stood in the middle of work balling my eyes out for reasons I couldn’t explain. It’s not embarrassing when I’m unseen. I’m not ashamed of my issues in person either – but it really is awkward sometimes!
I’m not sure what my point is with this one, I guess I want you to know it’s ok. It’s not just you. Even if I seem like I’ve got it all together most of the time I have my struggles too. As a community we have each other and we understand each other.